In a post shared on Reddit’s Am I The A****** (AITA) subforum under the username swimmingpoolaita, the mom said her daughter wanted to have a swimming pool in the house when she was 12. “We made an agreement that we would install a pool but that once she was old enough to start working, she would pay us back for half of it. She quickly agreed,” she wrote.
The user said her daughter is now 16 years old, working at her first job, and wants to save up for a prom dress. “I reminded her of our agreement about the pool and she no longer wants to uphold her end of the agreement. I insisted, threatening to take away phone and car privileges if she doesn’t pay her father and I back,” said the mom, who asked: “AITA for asking my daughter to uphold her end of the deal?”
In a 2018 survey of 2,000 parents commissioned by the youth charity YMCA, money management was reported to be among the top 10 life skills that parents want to teach their children. Learning from and admitting mistakes were among the top 10 life lessons they want to teach kids, the survey found.
According to the website of The Center for Parenting Education, a U.S. nonprofit run by Debra MacDonald, a dedicated Certified Parenting Educator who is the site director: “Knowing what you value can serve as a guide to determine when and how you want to intervene in a situation with your children. If you see your child misbehaving in a way that is contrary to a value you want to instill, it can be a clue about something the child needs to learn, whether it be kindness, generosity, responsibility, honesty, etc.
“The situation can be an opportunity to do your job as a parent to teach that value and the behaviors that reflect it.”
The mother in the latest Reddit post said that she and her husband could afford to cover the cost of the pool at the time, but “pools are very expensive and neither of us really like swimming, so we wanted my daughter to understand the cost she was asking for.”
The user said her daughter is now refusing to speak to her and her husband is agreeing with her, noting that “we can’t have honestly expected a 12-year-old to keep her end of the agreement.”
The user said: “For me, this isn’t even about money—it’s about teaching my young daughter the right morals to live life with. I don’t want her to think she can just go around making deals for her benefit and then just not upholding them.”
Dennis Poncher, a parent and founder of Because I Love You (B.I.L.Y.), a nonprofit providing support resources for parents in 24 locations across the U.S. and Canada, told Newsweek: “If it was me, I would not hold my daughter to the agreement. She was only 12 and as mentioned, the parents could afford the pool. To turn this into a teaching moment, I would remind my daughter that since she is now working, she did promise to help with the cost of the pool.”
However, in exchange, the daughter should also be told that she would have to now be responsible for covering her expenses, such as a prom dress, and “any other costs associated with similar optional items that she’s interested in acquiring,” Poncher said.
Poncher also noted that in the long run, the parents’ home has increased in value partially due to the addition of a pool, yet “I didn’t see any discussion about sharing the increased value with their daughter.”
The 16-year old is now at the age when she’ll want to get her drivers’ license and that’s when she should be reminded that “she needs to start saving money for the costs of a car and insurance,” he advised.
A college education could also be in her future and “now would be the time to help her with financial skills such as budgeting, building and maintaining credit,” Poncher said.
“In the future, I would suggest that any additional agreements for any further promises be put into writing with everyone’s signatures,” he added.
In a comment that got 41,900 upvotes, HenriettaHiggins said: “You got in a verbal agreement with a 12 year old for thousands of dollars and are now trying to enforce it? Seriously? Four years later. The right morals to live with are that 12 year olds cannot legally enter contracts. That’s the moral. YTA [you’re the a******]. And just.. very very misguided.”
In a comment that got 11,500 upvotes, user Proud_Pollution5505 agreed, stating: “Lol [laugh out loud] yeah a 12 year old cannot comprehend how screwed they are by agreeing to pay back like, what, $20K? That is absurd.”
User itsCourtney91 was more understanding of the mother in the latest post, saying: “I think she’s teaching her daughter a very valuable lesson at a very young age. It’s gonna benefit this girl a lot to learn about budgeting and loans BEFORE she gets out of college and is on her own for the first time.”
However, user itsCourtney91 added: “I don’t think it’s reasonable for her to pay for half, but it would be helpful to set up some sort of payment plan for her now that she’s got the job.”
Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment.
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