For some people, sex and romance go hand-in-hand. There’s nothing wrong with being that type of person, but if you are, you’re probably going to have a hard time with an FWB relationship. If you get jealous easily and feel like you have to have your sexual partner all to yourself, you’re going to have a hard time in an FWB unless you can find a way to keep your jealousy in check. If you identify as a demisexual and only feel sexual attraction after you’ve formed a strong emotional bond with someone, it’s unlikely you’ll be satisfied by an FWB relationship. [2] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Look for someone that you find attractive sexually, but don’t necessarily see yourself in a romantic relationship with. For example, you might talk to that guy on your friend’s rec league team who you think is hot even though you don’t really vibe with his lifestyle. This isn’t to say that you can’t make an FWB relationship work with someone you see more often or already know well. It just becomes a lot harder to avoid catching feelings.
You might say, “I’m looking for a friend with benefits, emphasis on friend. I’m not interested in a romantic relationship and don’t look at you that way. " Maybe you both just got out of a serious relationship and you’re hoping an FWB dynamic will eventually morph into something more serious. That’s fine, as long as you’re both on the same page. You might say, “I’m not interested in a relationship right now, but 3 or 4 months from now, who knows? For now, I’m only interested in being a friend with benefits. " What if you tell them what you want and they say no? Simply thank them and let them be on their way. Don’t make a big deal out of it—you dodged a bullet by not getting involved in a relationship with someone who had different expectations than you. [4] X Research source
When or under what circumstances you two will hook up (maybe only in the evenings, or only after drinking) How often the two of you will have sex (once a week or once every other week can be good frequencies) Who will know the full extent of your relationship (you might tell a few close friends but you might not want others to know) What you’ll do if one of you starts dating someone (most FWBs end their relationship when one of them starts dating someone seriously) Whether the two of you are free to have sex with other people (many FWB relationships are exclusive) How much you want to know about each other’s sex lives (if you’re not exclusive, details about your FWB’s sex life might stir feelings of jealousy)
If there’s no risk of pregnancy and both of you are STI-free, you might decide to forego protection (also known as a “fluid bond” because you agree to exchange bodily fluids). Talk about if others are included in this fluid bond or if barrier protection is required with other partners. [6] X Research source Many FWB couples choose to be sexually exclusive, despite not being in a romantic relationship. [7] X Research source If that’s acceptable to you and your FWB, it definitely makes it easier for the two of you to protect your sexual health.
The two of you can talk about what this looks like and what types of things are off-limits. For example, if you call literally everyone “babe,” or “honey,” it’s going to be weird if you only call your FWB “Rick. " If you’re normally a pretty touchy-feely person, it can be hard not to blur lines here. Just think in terms of what a platonic relationship looks like for you and what you’d normally reserve for a significant other. For example, you might greet your friends with a hug or a kiss on the cheek, but not a kiss on the lips.
For example, if you both play for the same rec league, you might agree that the only times you’re going to hang out is for rec league events. Going out with a group of friends is usually better than just the two of you doing something together, which is going to look (and possibly feel) more like a date. If the two of you happen to run into each other at a party or event, say hi and then keep your cool after that. You don’t want people to think you’re a couple.
You might say, “Let’s plan on meeting at Planned Parenthood for an STI test on the 15th of each month. Better safe than sorry, right?” Plan on going out for coffee or a drink after your test to talk about things if you need to. That way, the topic will be fresh on both of your minds.
For example, you might say, “Hey, that text last night was awkward, yeah? Sorry, I was just watching a sappy movie and got all up in my feels. It won’t happen again!” If other people were involved, you might need a different approach, like, “Hey, I didn’t know Robert would be there last night but what you said to him was not cool. I don’t want him to know about us. " Ultimately, if the arrangement you’ve created isn’t working for one of you anymore, it might be time to call it quits. You might say, “Listen, this has been a lot of fun, but I think we have to pause the sex thing for now. I feel like I’m starting to catch feelings for you and I don’t want to go down that path. "
Because your FWB relationship is all about pleasure, you can go after what really makes you feel good without worrying that you’re being selfish. If you’re not really sure where to start, try a little dirty talk to heat things up. Try to be just as open with your FWB about sexual pleasure as you are about sexual health. But if you feel too shy to talk about it face-to-face, a text works too.
